So, we made an appointment with my ob/gyn for 7/8/16. I was so excited because I knew we'd get an ultrasound and I was anxious to confirm how far along I was. (My periods have been crazy sporadic, so nailing down a date on my own was tricky). I suspected that I would be 8 weeks along at my appointment.
When the ultrasound tech begin, I didn't think anything of her silence. She'd found some fibroids and was clicking away with measurements and such. She then mentioned that we'd need to do a transvaginal ultrasound, since she was having a hard time spotting "Baby P" (that's what I'd started calling her when the kids weren't around).
She did the transvaginal and found my tiny little Pia, but that's when I noticed things felt off. I was expecting to see movement. I was expecting to see a heartbeat. I was expecting excited tones from the tech and information about my exact gestation and due date. Instead I got "You can get dressed. I'm going to have Dr. O talk to you." That immediately made me go into panic and prayer mode. Have I mentioned that I have anxiety disorder? Yeah, that pretty much brought on a lovely little panic attack.
As the tech instructed, I got dressed and hubby (aka Babelicious) and I headed to a different room where my ob/gyn would come talk to us. Babelicious tried to get me to smile; tried to be comforting; but I was already convinced that things were bleak. I hadn't mentioned to him, but I was already freaked out by my lack of morning sickness. I'd never had a pregnancy without morning sickness, so this was bringing to the forefront all of the panicky thoughts I'd stuffed to the rear corners of my mind.
When my ob/gyn came in, he informed me that Pia had no heartbeat. He briefly mentioned that we could be off on the dates, which would mean her heart just hadn't formed yet, but then went on to explain that I could be having a missed miscarriage. I'd never heard of such a thing in my life, but it basically means that at some point your baby stops developing, but your body doesn't get the memo. Your uterus continues to grow and your pregnancy hormones continue to climb. No spotting, no cramping, just a little angel floating around in your womb, waiting to be discovered and passed.
My ob/gyn decided they should take my blood and have me come back in a week for another ultrasound, just incase Pia's dates were off. By then, he believed she should have a heartbeat, since she was already measuring 6 weeks and a few days at that appointment.
I really don't have words to describe how I felt. I couldn't imagine why God would let me find out I was pregnant only to discover that I would never get to so much as hold her in my arms and smell her sweet head. I was crushed on a million levels. When I got home, I decided it would be best to let my older son know what we were facing. I knew I'd continue to be an emotional wreck and there'd be no way to hide it. He was amazing, as always. He hugged me and let me know that he would pray for his baby sister and me. He was a bright spot on a very bleak day.
No comments:
Post a Comment